Holding Contradiction

This T-shirt is one of the last items that Susan gave me before she died. She was passionate in her love for justice. Re-discovering it this morning was just the nudge I needed to post this essay.

I've generally been pretty good at holding contradiction and tolerating ambiguity. But this year has put that skill to an extreme test.

I wake up in a peaceful neighborhood, hearing birds by day and frogs by night.

Monday evening…

The nearby town where I spend most of my time is small and friendly, and the center of town is the intersection of Pleasant St. and Amity St. The names fit.

I have the privilege of hearing timeless music at special venues such as Tanglewood. Here’s a favorite picture from last weekend.

I am fortunate to have dear friends near and far, loving family, and the helpful services I need. The context allows me to live out my commitments to singing, writing, relationships, and community.

Here are some of my earlier essays on these commitments.

On singing: https://halgrotevant.substack.com/p/on-singing-from-hallelujah-to-coraggio?r=219t6e

On writing: https://halgrotevant.substack.com/p/on-writing-how-i-got-started-and?r=219t6e

On relationships: https://halgrotevant.substack.com/p/love-is-a-verb?r=219t6e

On community: https://halgrotevant.substack.com/p/a-fourth-commitment-community?r=219t6e

It's all very very good. I am deeply grateful for it, and I do not take any of it for granted.

And then I hear or see the news (TV, radio, newspaper, screen -- it doesn't matter), and there are the horrors. Yes, yes, I tell myself -- there have always been horrors and there will always be horrors. History proceeds in cycles, and this too shall pass. "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice" (MLK, Jr.).

But somehow this feels much more personal and therefore much more jarring.

Although I came of age with the slogan, "Don't trust anyone over 30," that always felt a bit overstated. There were always some trustworthy people in positions of authority. Now, it's as if the floor I walk on has been shaken by a 9.3 earthquake. And strong aftershocks continue daily. Buildings are crumbling, and trusted institutions I counted on are being actively destroyed. Dissidents are being silenced. It's no longer the case that these things might happen. They are happening. Right in front of me and you. Today.

Up is down, left is right, white is black, and evil is spreading. It's not just the person at the top. He's not smart enough; and alone, he is not powerful enough to make all these terrible things happen. (I will not enumerate them, because you know very well what I am talking about.) He and his cronies are being enabled by those who also seek power and wealth. And the leaders of the opposition party? Where are they? AWOL, for sure.

While some of the suffering seems quite distant, I feel a strong personal connection to the genocide occurring in Gaza. I have come to know three Palestinian men and their families whose lives are chronicled in Brian Barber's compelling book, No Way But Forward. I wrote about it earlier this year:

HERE: https://halgrotevant.substack.com/p/no-way-but-forward?r=219t6e

and HERE: https://open.substack.com/pub/halgrotevant/p/considering-matt-kahlil-hammam-hussam?r=219t6e&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false

Although I haven't met Kahlil, Hussam, and Hammam in person, they are quite real to me, and I ache for their suffering, and for that of their families and community.

There are a million platitudes that can and are being offered to help people deal with such dissonance; but at this moment, I'm feeling the need to experience it and let it penetrate. And not avert my gaze. When you can't go around it, the only way to go is straight through it.

I have felt called to action of some kind (but what?). That arc doesn't bend on its own. And then I remembered the words of John Pavlovitz, who writes on Substack under "The Beautiful Mess." His essay of Feb. 27, 2025 led with "Here's the One Thing You Can Do Right Now to Oppose Fascism."

His answer was memorable (spoiler alert): "Here's what to do: something."

Here's the One Thing You Can Do Right Now to Oppose Fascism

I think that is basically sound advice, and identifying the something right for me has been at top of mind. But I am experiencing some momentary paralysis due to the mind-bending effect of holding such extreme differences simultaneously -- the beauty and the ugliness; the love and the cruelty.

I know that I am not alone in this -- I have had many conversations about it with friends, and I see it addressed on Substack and elsewhere daily. I've been struggling for a while with whether and how to share these ideas.

I've decided it's best to share them just as they are. Deciding to give life to these words allowed me to sleep very well last night. And perhaps the simple act of sharing these words is, indeed, something. Maybe it's the beginning of some "good trouble." This makes me think that holding the good and bad simultaneously will generate the fire needed to inform action. I feel it coming.

Do you struggle with this? I'd love to hear your story and how you manage. This is turning out to be much more a long haul than a sprint.