Where is Home?

Photo by NASA on Unsplash

For many, the answer to this question is simple. Home is where you were born, or where you grew up, or where you built your adult life. It's where you can be surrounded by extended family and loved ones. But in my case, it's more complicated -- and so when someone asks me where my home is or where I'm from, I always hesitate and think "Should I give them the short answer or the long answer?" Usually I resist giving the long answer unless I can tell they are sincerely interested.

But here's the long answer. You see, I was born in Utica, NY and lived there until I was 8, through 3rd grade. My father's work transferred him (and the family) to Buffalo for just one year, and then he was transferred again, this time to Dallas, TX. That was quite a culture shock. On my first day of school in the fifth grade, my teacher introduced me to the class in this way: "This is your new classmate. He's a Yankee. Yankees chuckle up their sleeve." (I am not kidding, and I still don't know what that means.)

My Dad worked for a sales company that equated promotions with transfers, and employees were called into the home office and told they would be moving (no choice), and that their families needed to follow as soon as the school year ended. (This was in the 1950s and early 1960s.) During his time in Dallas, he was offered yet another promotion / transfer to Chicago, but turned it down. They told him he'd never be promoted again, but he chose family over work -- it was very difficult, but he did it.  He has my deep respect for that. But I digress.

I lived in Dallas until I graduated from high school and then started college at UT Austin, where I lived for four years. Susan and I met there and married the day after we graduated, and then immediately moved to Dallas for a year, where we both had jobs before I had to report for active duty in the Navy (1970, Vietnam era). I spent two years on active duty at a naval base in Vallejo, CA, and Susan joined me there. Following that, we moved to Minneapolis (sight unseen) for me to attend graduate school. Four years later, we moved back to Austin for my first teaching job at UT Austin. Thirteen years later,  we moved to St. Paul, MN, where we stayed for 18 years. I then accepted a new position at UMass Amherst, where I remain.  Along the way, Susan also worked for universities in Las Cruces, NM and Boston for 1-2 years each. 

So, between us, we lived at 18 different addresses in 10 different cities. So, where is my home? Or is it like the song suggests:  "Any Place I Hang My Hat is Home."

Now that I am (mostly) retired, the question comes up again, especially in the form, "Are you staying in Massachusetts, or are you moving?"  Although I have pondered moving to places I've enjoyed visiting (e.g., Santa Fe, San Francisco), I don't know a soul there and only know it through a tourist's eyes.  Certainly not well enough to pack up and move there. Or perhaps I might want to return to Minneapolis / St. Paul,  for which I hold great affection. It has an especially rich and accessible choral music scene. But I have no family there (although some friends), and the winters are long and severe.  Or perhaps I should move to where my sons live, thousands of miles away from here in different directions.

I recently had a conversation with a wise friend, during which I commented, "I've been such an academic nomad and have lived in so many places  -- most of them have been related to school or work. I'm not sure where I fit now."  I expected him to respond about the pros and cons of different locations, but instead, he simply said, "Where do you want to fit?"  Ah. Such an elegant re-frame. It allowed me to exhale.

That said, I am acutely aware that I have had the privilege of having a home all my life. There are too many people in our own communities who cannot say that. I would like to recommend a recent book by a photographer friend, Mark Schumann, who traveled the US from coast to coast from 2015 to 2020 documenting homelessness in America. “Homeless in a Land of Plenty” is a compelling book, and net proceeds go to organizations serving the homeless.

Continued thanks for joining me on this journey. How do you answer the question, “Where is home?”