Who Are Your Peeps?

The Power of Shared Experience

Peeps

For the past 6 months, I have been connected with a group of others who had recently experienced the death of a spouse. At first, it was more formal, as we were brought together in an 8-week semi-structured bereavement support group, sponsored by the hospice services affiliated with our local hospital. We were brought together by an experience none of us chose. And we are quite a diverse group -- women and men, ranging in age from 50s to almost 90, some with children still at home and others with great-grandchildren. But being brought together by the shared experience of loss meant that we were with others who "got it." Even though the circumstances of each spouse's death were very different, we had all experienced that loss. We had a deep connection to one another based on that understanding.

For our eighth week, we agreed to have a potluck dinner at someone's house, and each brought a favorite dish loved by our spouse. It was quite a fascinating and delicious (and somewhat random) meal, and we took turns telling the story about the food we chose to bring. Heart-warming stories and tears were shed. (I made corn bread. Susan's mother was from the rural South, and her father was from the Bronx. When he went out of town, her mother made her favorite food (which he disliked): pinto beans, fresh tomatoes, and corn bread. Susan loved that corn bread and always talked of her beloved mother when she made it.)

At the end of the evening, we agreed we'd like to continue with the potlucks. I wasn't sure how things would unfold, but the emails started coming, and we have now met monthly since completing our formal group. We all love good food and good conversation. I came away from last night's dinner thinking, "These are my peeps. They get it."

That said, I also realize that I'm not limited to one group of peeps. I can be in as many groups as I'd like. Choral singers comprise my other most significant group. We come together from all walks of life, varied ages and demographic tags, connected by our love of singing. It's very powerful.

Here is a lightly edited version of my Facebook post from May 27, about the power of a recent choral experience.

My heart is full to overflowing as I reflect on my experience singing with Berkshire Choral International last week. Music, and choral singing in particular, has been a deep source of healing for me this past year, as I approach the anniversary of Susan's passing (July 3). I had seen this group perform about 10 years ago and made a mental note that I'd like to sing with them some day -- but this was the first year I was able to make the commitment. I prepared diligently (many hours rehearsing with practice tracks, voice lessons, etc.) and was glad I did. The repertoire was wonderful, and the performance was very emotional. I'm sure most of the 160 singers had their own special stories behind their participation (as did I), but we all shared in love and admiration for our conductor, Frank Nemhauser, who is retiring from BCI after this season. As he said to us: As a group, you are all individuals who have come together from all over North America to share an intensive experience to prepare an outstanding performance -- after which you will all return home, never to sing together again. He encouraged us to "pay it forward" as we return to our home choirs, enhanced by our experience together. A generous, inspiring thought. I have had many amazing choral experiences over the years, but this one is definitely in the top 2 or 3 -- maybe the top one. Doesn't matter. Such an emotional week, enhanced by the serenity and beauty of Tanglewood and the company of kindred spirits brought together in the love of music. Our final performance in Ozawa Hall evidenced beautiful, loving connections among the singers, conductor, and audience. My heart truly overflows.

In my professional life, I've also seen the power of connecting with one's peeps. For over 40 years, I have been conducting research relating to adoption -- adoptive family dynamics, adoptive identity, the adoption process, openness in adoption, outcomes for adopted persons, adoptive parents, and birth parents, and the like. I have witnessed adoptive persons relishing the opportunity to be with others who share their experience. Even though their specific adoption stories may be very different, they are with others who "get it." There's an aspect of themselves that they don't have to explain. They can let their guard down and be their full selves with each other. There is great comfort in that.

My conclusion from these direct and indirect experiences is that we all need connections with others where there is an understanding (often, unarticulated) that those in the group "get it." That you're with others with whom you don't have to explain yourself or feel that you have to mask a centrally important part of your experience.

Dear readers, May you each have your own peeps with whom you feel at home and at ease. I'd be interested to hear your stories of peephood.