Thank you, Hal. Thank God for that holly sprig. What a great low-tech way to achieve this.
Yes, the isolation that is so rampant is yet another symptom of the deep-seated myth that we are individuals, separate from each other and separate from the rest of reality. Biologically, we know no organism can survive without its environment. But we don't really live as if that's true. I hope we can move towards a culture that still values individual choice and freedom, but recognizes that NONE of us can survive as an island. Would you expect a single cell taken from a human being to thrive on its own? No. In the same way, a single human being isolated from her network shouldn't be expected to thrive either. We are a superorganism, similar to coral.
True, and well said!! Our "rugged individualism" ethic may have been adaptive in frontier days (although many people were casualties of it!), but in our connected world today, it certainly isn't. But some people haven't gotten the memo. Thanks, Mike!
i've never lived alone before now and i have this one (relatively new) friend who texts me everyday about the most mundane things, it took me a while to realize she's just checking in with me. it's such a nice gesture
Another great message, Hal. The link to your Dad's obituary isn't working, though. PS My Dave's dad was also Floyd, at least to his family. His full name was Perry Floyd Johnston and he used Perry in his business world because he thought it sounded a little more professional and a little less "country."
Floyd must have been a more common name back in the day -- I rarely hear it any more. My dad was a junior. Strange about the obit. I'm pasting it here:
Obituary for Floyd Bowen Grotevant Jr.
March 01 2008 Floyd Bowen Grotevant, Jr. died on March 1, 2008 in Bedford, NH at the age of 87. He was born on September 20, 1920 in Albany, NY. Preceded in death by his wife of 56 years, Betty Ryan Grotevant; parents Floyd Bowen Grotevant, Sr., and Ellen Vincent Grotevant; son Richard; and brothers Robert and Jack. Survived by son Harold D. Grotevant (wife Susan) of Falcon Heights, MN; daughter Deborah Ann Grotevant Uhlendorf (husband Peter) of Pepperell, MA; grandchildren Paul Grotevant (wife Carolyn Schwarz) of Austin, TX; Mark Grotevant of Minneapolis, MN; Sarah Uhlendorf Stebulis (husband Matthew) of Shrewsbury, MA; and Erich Uhlendorf, of Lowell, MA; great-grandchildren Reid Grotevant and Meredith Grotevant of Austin, TX; brothers Frederick (Vinny) and William Grotevant; and many nieces and nephews. Floyd graduated from Utica (NY) Free Academy and met his future wife Betty there. He enlisted in the U.S. Navy in August 1942, rising to the rank of Signalman First Class. Following the war, he and Betty settled in Utica to start their family. He began working for Campbells Sales Company in 1945, where he was employed for 40 years until his retirement. Most of his working years were spent in Dallas, TX, which he loved because of the warm weather and golf opportunities it afforded. After launching their children and retiring, he and Betty moved to Presbyterian Village North community in Dallas. He was a proud veteran and provided leadership for Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day observances at PVN. In 2006, he moved to New Hampshire to be closer to family. Floyd was an avid movie photographer of almost 60 years. He and Betty traveled widely across North America and also enjoyed one trip to Switzerland and several cruises in the Caribbean and the Alaskan waterway. His enjoyment of people came through in his work as a salesman and in the many ways in which he was engaged with life. He loved tinkering in the garage with his inventions and editing his movies, always with his favorite Big Band music in the background. But his passion was golf. He played every chance he could. He proudly walked the course and carried his own bag, often running circles around the younger salesmen he supervised. Like many of Brokaw’s Greatest Generation, he loved his country, his wife, his family, and his life. His grandchildren all called him Pop and will miss his willingness to get down on the floor or in the pool and play with them. He died peacefully, in the arms of his daughter and son, following a bout of pneumonia.
In lieu of flowers, memorials are requested to the Alzheimer’s Foundation in support of dementia research (www.alz.org or 800-272-3900) or to the Wayne Caron Family Caregiving Center (5995) at the University of Minnesota (www.giving.umn.edu or 800-755-2187.)
Final interment will be next to Betty in Calvary Hill Cemetery, Dallas, TX.
Visiting Hours will be held at Davis Funeral Home, One Lock Street, Nashua, NH on Thursday, March 6, 2008 from 2-4 and 7-9 P.M.
A Funeral Mass will be held at St. Joseph the Worker Parish, 777 West Hollis Street, Nashua, NH on Friday, March 7, 2008 at 9:30 A.M.
As always, Hal, your writing evokes present day realities for me.
I moved to Albuquerque 6 years ago, then married, to care for my mother after several falls when she was living alone. I said to my then husband, "It's time," and off we went. A resignation from my fulltime academic position, a releasing of "things" & "thoughts" about how I imagined life would be and a new phase of life began in a new city, part time teaching, and full time, committed care for my mother.
My marriage did not survive, but my mother did - and we are together now, my caring for her - with an amazing team made possible by her long term care health insurance (almost untouchable now for most people, and a life-saver for us).
The decision to care for my mother in her later years was - not really a decision at all - although many related decisons & choices needed to be made. It was, at heart, my core self. As a family social scientist (chicken or egg question?), there was never really a question. Family is, afterall, at the center of everything for me.
This comes, as you well know, sometimes with great personal cost. This version of life I'm living is not one I imagined...and yet, core values of family, love & care are the northstar for me.
And with that commitment - and with my unique set of circumstances - comes the alone times. Most I cherish deeply, having learned how to appreciate & love my own company, and at other times, the aloneness can feel isolating. Knowing what I know about family & socialization (family social scientist, much???), I work diligently to counter balance my all-giving-nature by intentional acts of connectuon to others outside my now-very-narrow-physical world.
As you have read & seen on my facebook posts, I was in India recently - teaching with The World Acadeny for the Future of Women - fufilling my commitment to being a global citizen. And a fun local event - which is also global in its reach - is something i found called TIMELEFT. Anyone can search for it in their community online. It is dinner with 5 strangers at local restaurants, & I HIGHLY recommend it!
Being by nature, highly extroverted, but living socially introverted, finding ways to CONNECT with other hunans - and with nature (which is abundant here in New Mexico)- is imperative for my health & well-being.
And...having friends who write engaging blogs helps, too🥰
Thanks for bringing who you are & your gifts of writing to the world, Hal!
Dear Jane, Thank you, as always, for your comment! Your personal story is a compelling example of how our needs for social connection are differently met at different times in our lives. As you are, I am finding that I need to be much more intentional around creating those connections. They don't just automatically happen, as when we are in a committed relationship or working full time.
I appreciate your mention of TIMELEFT. You are the second person who has mentioned this in a comment or a post within the last few days. I'll be interested to learn how that works for you. (Please let me know!) I am fortunate that the grief support group I was a part of last spring is now continuing to meet monthly for pot luck dinners at each others' homes. Although we are from different backgrounds, we have something quite powerful in common: loss of our spouse.
My father found the connection he needed in his retirement community. He and my mother had lived there for a number of years before she passed. Many of the people who lived there moved there as couples; but of course, over time, many of those couples became singles -- and that was a profound change that gets little attention. How do relationships that start on the basis of couples change as one of the partners dies? (Somebody ELSE could do a study on that! Haha) But at least for now, such a community is now where I see myself. Especially since I am in a relatively isolated area, I very much appreciate the connectivity that social media and zoom provide. Many of my close connections are with people miles and miles away, as are both of my kids. Thank you for your comment, Jane! I am glad we are connected! I ordered your poetry book, and it is supposed to arrive within the next 10 days.
I've met really interesting people in about the same age/life phase, my guess is 50+. In addition to nice restaurants with great ambiance, the TIMELEFT ap on your phone, provides questions to jump start convo. One was, "If you could be an animal fior a day, which one would you be?" & another, "If you had a talk show, who would be your first guest?" I said zebra, having been on a safari in Africa, I LOVED the zebra. No doubt because I felt "odd" as a child...now, I frame that to 'beautifully unique!" - like my zebra friends🥰 The person I would interview was my 93 yo mother, who gave up alcohol at 89! - with no side effects (and after 2 strokes!). It opened incredibly deeo & authentic convos about early childhood experiences. As we know frim our work, everyone has a family history, and it's not always easy to talk about. Yet, at a certain point in life, it seems to be a kind of relief to be open with others, who also welcomed the opportunity to share. Unexpected & refreshing conversations with
strangers (no longer strangers, we exchanged emails!).
I just noticed I had made a typo in my earlier response (Freudian slip?) I said, But at least for now, such a community is now where I see myself. --- but meant, "is NOT where I see myself"!!!!! What made my fingers do that?? HaHa. Maybe blame it on AI changing it??! I am very happy right where I am and want to stay here.
Thank you, Hal. Thank God for that holly sprig. What a great low-tech way to achieve this.
Yes, the isolation that is so rampant is yet another symptom of the deep-seated myth that we are individuals, separate from each other and separate from the rest of reality. Biologically, we know no organism can survive without its environment. But we don't really live as if that's true. I hope we can move towards a culture that still values individual choice and freedom, but recognizes that NONE of us can survive as an island. Would you expect a single cell taken from a human being to thrive on its own? No. In the same way, a single human being isolated from her network shouldn't be expected to thrive either. We are a superorganism, similar to coral.
True, and well said!! Our "rugged individualism" ethic may have been adaptive in frontier days (although many people were casualties of it!), but in our connected world today, it certainly isn't. But some people haven't gotten the memo. Thanks, Mike!
i've never lived alone before now and i have this one (relatively new) friend who texts me everyday about the most mundane things, it took me a while to realize she's just checking in with me. it's such a nice gesture
Indeed! So nice for both of you!
Thank you for your wise words, Hal.
Thanks, Elena. It's always good to hear from you, and I'm glad this piece resonated for you. I hope all is well with you!
Another great message, Hal. The link to your Dad's obituary isn't working, though. PS My Dave's dad was also Floyd, at least to his family. His full name was Perry Floyd Johnston and he used Perry in his business world because he thought it sounded a little more professional and a little less "country."
Floyd must have been a more common name back in the day -- I rarely hear it any more. My dad was a junior. Strange about the obit. I'm pasting it here:
Obituary for Floyd Bowen Grotevant Jr.
March 01 2008 Floyd Bowen Grotevant, Jr. died on March 1, 2008 in Bedford, NH at the age of 87. He was born on September 20, 1920 in Albany, NY. Preceded in death by his wife of 56 years, Betty Ryan Grotevant; parents Floyd Bowen Grotevant, Sr., and Ellen Vincent Grotevant; son Richard; and brothers Robert and Jack. Survived by son Harold D. Grotevant (wife Susan) of Falcon Heights, MN; daughter Deborah Ann Grotevant Uhlendorf (husband Peter) of Pepperell, MA; grandchildren Paul Grotevant (wife Carolyn Schwarz) of Austin, TX; Mark Grotevant of Minneapolis, MN; Sarah Uhlendorf Stebulis (husband Matthew) of Shrewsbury, MA; and Erich Uhlendorf, of Lowell, MA; great-grandchildren Reid Grotevant and Meredith Grotevant of Austin, TX; brothers Frederick (Vinny) and William Grotevant; and many nieces and nephews. Floyd graduated from Utica (NY) Free Academy and met his future wife Betty there. He enlisted in the U.S. Navy in August 1942, rising to the rank of Signalman First Class. Following the war, he and Betty settled in Utica to start their family. He began working for Campbells Sales Company in 1945, where he was employed for 40 years until his retirement. Most of his working years were spent in Dallas, TX, which he loved because of the warm weather and golf opportunities it afforded. After launching their children and retiring, he and Betty moved to Presbyterian Village North community in Dallas. He was a proud veteran and provided leadership for Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day observances at PVN. In 2006, he moved to New Hampshire to be closer to family. Floyd was an avid movie photographer of almost 60 years. He and Betty traveled widely across North America and also enjoyed one trip to Switzerland and several cruises in the Caribbean and the Alaskan waterway. His enjoyment of people came through in his work as a salesman and in the many ways in which he was engaged with life. He loved tinkering in the garage with his inventions and editing his movies, always with his favorite Big Band music in the background. But his passion was golf. He played every chance he could. He proudly walked the course and carried his own bag, often running circles around the younger salesmen he supervised. Like many of Brokaw’s Greatest Generation, he loved his country, his wife, his family, and his life. His grandchildren all called him Pop and will miss his willingness to get down on the floor or in the pool and play with them. He died peacefully, in the arms of his daughter and son, following a bout of pneumonia.
In lieu of flowers, memorials are requested to the Alzheimer’s Foundation in support of dementia research (www.alz.org or 800-272-3900) or to the Wayne Caron Family Caregiving Center (5995) at the University of Minnesota (www.giving.umn.edu or 800-755-2187.)
Final interment will be next to Betty in Calvary Hill Cemetery, Dallas, TX.
Visiting Hours will be held at Davis Funeral Home, One Lock Street, Nashua, NH on Thursday, March 6, 2008 from 2-4 and 7-9 P.M.
A Funeral Mass will be held at St. Joseph the Worker Parish, 777 West Hollis Street, Nashua, NH on Friday, March 7, 2008 at 9:30 A.M.
As always, Hal, your writing evokes present day realities for me.
I moved to Albuquerque 6 years ago, then married, to care for my mother after several falls when she was living alone. I said to my then husband, "It's time," and off we went. A resignation from my fulltime academic position, a releasing of "things" & "thoughts" about how I imagined life would be and a new phase of life began in a new city, part time teaching, and full time, committed care for my mother.
My marriage did not survive, but my mother did - and we are together now, my caring for her - with an amazing team made possible by her long term care health insurance (almost untouchable now for most people, and a life-saver for us).
The decision to care for my mother in her later years was - not really a decision at all - although many related decisons & choices needed to be made. It was, at heart, my core self. As a family social scientist (chicken or egg question?), there was never really a question. Family is, afterall, at the center of everything for me.
This comes, as you well know, sometimes with great personal cost. This version of life I'm living is not one I imagined...and yet, core values of family, love & care are the northstar for me.
And with that commitment - and with my unique set of circumstances - comes the alone times. Most I cherish deeply, having learned how to appreciate & love my own company, and at other times, the aloneness can feel isolating. Knowing what I know about family & socialization (family social scientist, much???), I work diligently to counter balance my all-giving-nature by intentional acts of connectuon to others outside my now-very-narrow-physical world.
As you have read & seen on my facebook posts, I was in India recently - teaching with The World Acadeny for the Future of Women - fufilling my commitment to being a global citizen. And a fun local event - which is also global in its reach - is something i found called TIMELEFT. Anyone can search for it in their community online. It is dinner with 5 strangers at local restaurants, & I HIGHLY recommend it!
Being by nature, highly extroverted, but living socially introverted, finding ways to CONNECT with other hunans - and with nature (which is abundant here in New Mexico)- is imperative for my health & well-being.
And...having friends who write engaging blogs helps, too🥰
Thanks for bringing who you are & your gifts of writing to the world, Hal!
Many blessings, Jane
Dear Jane, Thank you, as always, for your comment! Your personal story is a compelling example of how our needs for social connection are differently met at different times in our lives. As you are, I am finding that I need to be much more intentional around creating those connections. They don't just automatically happen, as when we are in a committed relationship or working full time.
I appreciate your mention of TIMELEFT. You are the second person who has mentioned this in a comment or a post within the last few days. I'll be interested to learn how that works for you. (Please let me know!) I am fortunate that the grief support group I was a part of last spring is now continuing to meet monthly for pot luck dinners at each others' homes. Although we are from different backgrounds, we have something quite powerful in common: loss of our spouse.
My father found the connection he needed in his retirement community. He and my mother had lived there for a number of years before she passed. Many of the people who lived there moved there as couples; but of course, over time, many of those couples became singles -- and that was a profound change that gets little attention. How do relationships that start on the basis of couples change as one of the partners dies? (Somebody ELSE could do a study on that! Haha) But at least for now, such a community is now where I see myself. Especially since I am in a relatively isolated area, I very much appreciate the connectivity that social media and zoom provide. Many of my close connections are with people miles and miles away, as are both of my kids. Thank you for your comment, Jane! I am glad we are connected! I ordered your poetry book, and it is supposed to arrive within the next 10 days.
I've met really interesting people in about the same age/life phase, my guess is 50+. In addition to nice restaurants with great ambiance, the TIMELEFT ap on your phone, provides questions to jump start convo. One was, "If you could be an animal fior a day, which one would you be?" & another, "If you had a talk show, who would be your first guest?" I said zebra, having been on a safari in Africa, I LOVED the zebra. No doubt because I felt "odd" as a child...now, I frame that to 'beautifully unique!" - like my zebra friends🥰 The person I would interview was my 93 yo mother, who gave up alcohol at 89! - with no side effects (and after 2 strokes!). It opened incredibly deeo & authentic convos about early childhood experiences. As we know frim our work, everyone has a family history, and it's not always easy to talk about. Yet, at a certain point in life, it seems to be a kind of relief to be open with others, who also welcomed the opportunity to share. Unexpected & refreshing conversations with
strangers (no longer strangers, we exchanged emails!).
So glad to hear this!
I just noticed I had made a typo in my earlier response (Freudian slip?) I said, But at least for now, such a community is now where I see myself. --- but meant, "is NOT where I see myself"!!!!! What made my fingers do that?? HaHa. Maybe blame it on AI changing it??! I am very happy right where I am and want to stay here.